Arts Centre‎ > ‎Humour Room‎ > ‎

Written Humour

posted 18 Mar 2013, 15:25 by Bill Bishop   [ updated 15 Nov 2016, 15:54 ]


Observations On Life

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
 
2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is...... PRICELESS.
 
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
 
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.   
 
5. I haven't verified this on GOOGLE, but it sounds legitimate? A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.



Changes To Health Care Proposed

The Canadian Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister's new health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it,  but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the  Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash  their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,  and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the  matter....."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the  Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Ottawa

Punishment ???

US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the young airman takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

Tenjooberrymuds 

Travelling In Canada

Tenjooberrymuds...  

Yep, by the time you read this, You too will be able to understand the 1st line..."TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... 

In order to continue getting-by in  Canada (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following  conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". 

With a little patience, you 'll be able to fit right in. 
Now, here goes... 

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old  Canada today....... 

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees." 

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." 

Room Service: "  Rye   . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???" 

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I 'd like to order bacon and eggs.." 

Room Service: "Ow July den?" 

Guest: ".....What??" 

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?" 

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please." 

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" 

Guest: "Crisp will be fine." 

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?" 

Guest: "What?" 

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?" 

Guest: "I... Don 't think so." 

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???" 

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don 't know what 'judo wan sahn toes ' means." 

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" 

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I 've got it! You were saying 'toast '...   Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine." 

RoomService: "We bodder?" 

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side." 

RoomService: "Wad?!?" 

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side." 

RoomService: "Copy?" 

Guest: "Excuse me?" 

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?" 

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that 's everything." 

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ....  Rye  ??" 

Guest: "Whatever you say.." 

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds." 

Guest: "You 're welcome" 

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND TENJOOBERRYMUDS" .....and you do, don 't you!


Diarrhoea Cure


A little boy with diarrhea tells his Mom he needs Viagra.

Mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"

Little boy replies, "Isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!